I remember when I was depressed and I thought...
"the world has no water".
"Where did that thought come from?",
I wondered???
I had filled my head with so much negativity. I didn't even realize anymore that I was thinking my own thoughts. I felt the world was dark and my thoughts were too and I just wanted to sleep and get away from all the "doom and gloom" thoughts.
However, deep down I never let go of the fact that I knew they were MY thoughts, but seeing others in delusions and being impressionable... I thought I was on my way to becoming delusional too. They actually ask you often if you are hospitalized..."Do you hear voices?" We all hear our thoughts in our heads. What did that really mean? It scared me!
It is frightening to not accept reality and to believe another force can control you. Those who do have delusions may find a doctor and the right medicine and dosage to trust. It is wise to listen to caring professionals.
It sounded weird to the psychiatrist when I told him I had the thought..."the world has no water." I do not believe one thought is a sound basis for prescribing an anti-psychotic.
"Oh. That is very strange. You need Seraquil ", he responded.
I guess it scared me so much, but I wanted relief. I do remember that it was like being a horse with those blinders on...my thoughts couldn't expand...they became more organized somehow. So...possibly it did do me some good for that period of time.
I had wondered my dark fear. Was I becoming psychotic?
I didn't dare tell this doctor my other thought. "She has a thousand arms."
I had been studying Buddhism and Hinduism and my subconscious...my healthy
self was sending me a message.
I was thirsty for knowledge...the world has no water meant, in a poetic way, that I
could not find sustenance. There is a goddess in Hinduism represented by many arms because she is so nurturing, so giving and healing.
Being a Westerner and not making the connections to Eastern thought, Dr. Rice thought
I was having "crazy thoughts" and being in a mental hospital ... I did too.
I had an epiphany, however, in a park months later. I was sketching with some pastels and watching water spill into a fountain ... I wrote around that sketch "I told Dr. Rice the World Has No Water and He Said I Need Seraquil, but really what I needed was Sustenance."
Now I ask you? Is that thought really crazy or just poetic?
Monday, March 3, 2008
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2 comments:
Hi Nancy,
I just wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog the other week. Sorry I took so long getting back to you. My illness makes me slow to respond to people sometimes.
I've been enjoying reading your blog. You are thoughtful and playful and bright.
I think you saying "the world has no water" is definitely a poetic description of an emotional state and not crazy. What the doctor may not have known was that you are, in fact, a poet.
I have recently returned to Buddhism after a long absence. Have you heard of a Tibetan meditation practice called tonglen? It could help with your depression. In essence, you breathe in the depression and then breath out healing, joy. First you do this for yourself and then you extend the practice to include others who also feel depression. I've only just started to approach it. You can breath in any kind of pain and breath out the release from that pain. It's a way of deepening compassion for yourself and others. I learned about it when I was deep into psychosis from some tapes I listened to by Pema Chodron.
I'll be away visiting my parents in Florida next week, but when I get back I'll stop by your blog again and see how you're doing. Thanks for writing your blog and I hope we get to know each other better.
Kate : )
Kate,
I know you are in Florida, but wanted to respond. Thank you so much for your post and the compliments!
I was reading your blog and it is so in-depth and thoughtful. I realized how bright and insightful you are.
I enjoy reading your blog also. I definitely admire you...your intellect and courage and more.
It is so perplexing to me that one "label" put on a person may do so much harm. I have written and spoken to Chris about this. A person is varied in their abilities and emotionality. I think it is harmful to accept to be labelled and stuck on a "shelf" somewhere. People fear the "mentally ill" and so I never accepted to be labelled "mentally ill", even though I have suffered many severe clinical depressions. When it happened again and then I would be hospitalized it was like being in a "hell". Many people do not understand emotional illnesses. I want to advocate to change that. For instance, I believe if NAMI were renamed NAEC (The National Association for Emotional Challenges) more people would benefit from its programs. All human beings have emotional challenges! Yet, of course, some much more challenging. I think terminology should be clear...a "mentally ill" person is almost always portrayed by the media as a "deranged killer" or glorified as a "crazy genius". How absurd!
Nancy
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