I am waking up this New Year's Day. January 1, 2008. I am thinking so many thoughts and then I remember being depressed and being silent---thinking there is nothing to say.
I was trained as a mime. I actually went to Paris to audition for Marcel Marceau's school. The reason I became interested in mime is because I was amazed by how much could be communicated in acting without words---with facial expressions and the body. I was also struck as a teen by a young boy I babysat who was deaf. The world of silence always fascinated me.
In depressions I was caught by the negativity and the uselessness of jabbering on about whatever. It seemed senseless, hopeless and I didn't think anyone would be interested in what I might say. I also was repeating negative thoughts and felt I was boring everyone.
Silence i suppose is another way to islotate oneself from others. I remember being at an Indian restaurant with family and not saying a word. It made everyone uncomfortable. The food tasted like silence-- tasteless. The conversation didn't interest me. I remember only feeling so sorry for any pain I was causing my children and family members. I felt stuck. I had allowed depression to eat me up. I let go of any power to fight the negativity.
I remember being at my work at a high school-- I have worked for many years as a Speech/Drama Therapist. I only spoke to Chanie who is still a guidance counselor there. She is Christian and believed I was battling evil forces. Somehow .... it is true, but at the time was so scarey to me. I believed I had so little power and that the negativity or evil was so much more powerful than the positive. This mindset caused me so much pain and suffering.
It is horrible when one gives up on the "sparks" all around---the light. The darkness of depression--this silent hell is real of course, but I now know how important it is to remember to be thankful for all the positive in our lives.
Be careful of the silent hell of depression in which one only sees the negative. Here is the cup analogy to life. The cup is not only full of negative things or empty of good. The cup is not even always at a halfway mark -- half empty and half full ---things vary and when we are healthy we adapt. Life is full of challenges--changes and we either adapt or we get stuck.
Silence can be a beautiful way to inhabit our thoughts, yet....I now remember to be wary of entertaining too many negative thoughts in the silence. I know where it may lead...