Once upon a time, a long time ago I was a chameleon. I wrote in a journal then.....
"I wish I could take a snapshot of everyone in the world, that way I would know where I fit in."
I was very aware of other people and how they might interpret my actions or words. I was extremely sensitive about how I affected everyone. So...I hid. I also had a hard time with boundaries of knowing where I began and ended and where others did.
I blended in. I didn't want to shake things up. Just keep the peace. Without getting into all the psychology, because I now know what caused this, it caused me much pain. I began to be a "silent rebel". That is how I would refer to myself. I saw things differently and I knew, but wouldn't say it aloud.
Hiding in the shadows feels protective. Hiding in the hole in the sculpture "Elation" will feel protective also. However, interaction with others, though it may be complicated and risky, is the way out of a hole. To become whole, we must emerge from our cocoon.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
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2 comments:
Hi Nancy,
I have real trouble getting out of my cocoon and meeting with people face to face. It's partly my personality and partly the schizophrenia. I spend most of my time alone, especially since I finished school. Lately I've just about stopped watching TV and this seems to emphasize my solitude even more, but in its place I have been much more creative. I don't feel lonely, but I do feel like something is missing. The painting and craftwork enrich my life but I would like to find a few friends this year.
Your description of yourself as a chameleon and then a "silent rebel" seem to reveal a complex and secretly passionate character. I think changing with the circumstances starts out as a fairly natural inclination that must eventually become tiring and then harmful to self and others. My tendency was to adapt to my boyfriends and that taught me a harsh lesson about the cycle of abuse. The trick is finding the balance between blending in and standing out or keeping the peace and self assertion. Though really in some cases keeping the peace is a form of self assertion or should be.
Finding the balance would certainly be Elation for me.
Kate : )
Kate,
I agree that finding balance is key. I read and re-read your comment. You are so perceptive and understand so deeply. I think cocooning is natural when we don't trust and also a type of gestation period. You find it in nature. And...we are a part of nature. The problem i think is when we cocoon for too long. I enjoy your comments so much. Please feel free to post and also if you want to email me.
Nancy
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