I'm BACK!

I'm back!  Meaning...out of another awful depression...elated again...am I the diagnosis...
Bi-Polar2 or do I suffer from Clinical Depressions...my doc is great and says it doesn't matter...still on the fence...hasn't seen the hypomania or wondering if he just hasn't been there when I am hypomanic and if I tend to be so happy again after being depressed.

Whatever the diagnosis...it is not all of who I am...However, I said I would write this down to remind myself...when I am depressed remember it is a biochemical condition!!! Not who I really am and NOT the limitations I believe I have.  Thanks....doc.  I have the best doctor for me!  So, if you learn more, it helps.

Coffee Again, This Time Decaf

I have been having trouble getting to sleep and waking up during the night. Therefore, switching to decaf. It is brewed, so it's pretty good. Lacks the bite. Alright. If it helps me sleep at night i will switch over for good. Yesterday I was driving and falling asleep at red lights. Dangerous. I was glad when I got home safe.

I am going to a yoga class this morning - Dahn Yoga. I thought i would leave this yoga type cuz I feel they are cultish, but now I will take classes only on Sunday and thanks to my friend Sonja have discovered techniques to use if they try to coerce me into taking more workshops. I will just ignore them and say Well...have to go have a nice day. See Sonja told me...it is not your thing and you don't owe them an explanation. True. Decaf and yoga are what is on my mind.

Coffee and Sleep

I love coffee and I love sleep. The two don't seem to go together for me. I bought a decaf brew for the afternoons. I have two cups in the morning. I drink one cup in my HELLO SUNSHINE, Life is Good cup at home. Then, when I arrive at work my friend Helen makes it for us, me Rachel and Fred on Tuesdays and Wednesdaya. It would be hard to work without these cups of coffee. I wonder if I am addicted to the caffeine...I put soymilk in it. Just took a sip. Hmmm. It hits the spot, a spot in my throat that needs filling up.

Elated and Ecstatic

I am so happy right now. I am bursting - elated and ecstatic.
Now that I am no longer depressed and on a medical sabbatical, it is so exciting
to have time to do whatever the hell I want.

Just started yoga-cize, a class in the instructor's home - Her name is Dvusha.
I bought a drum to chant. I am writing, reading, loving life!

I am being wary of getting too overexcited so, I am taking luxurious bubble baths and
lighting a candle called OPIUM. (really haha!)

Time On My Hands

I have a lot of time to schedule on my hands. I am using some of it to work out at the gym. I hope to do this more and more. My goal is to work out 1/2 hour on the bike, 1/2 hour walking machine and 1/2 hour on the elliptical each day. I plan to go tomorrow before my Weight Watchers meeting. So, this is all for physical health.

I have been shopping for more fruits and veggies. I think I need to cut down on the carbs. Evening is still a difficult time. I want to munch on something...I will try to cut up veggies or get popcorn.

I am worried that I may have even gained some weight this week. Hope not. However, I will not avoid getting on the scale...I have learned not to avoid the truth.

Sometimes in my life I have not had a minute to myself. So, the challenge right now is to make good use of my time! Be productive. Be happy. Give myself a nudge in the right direction.

Drinking and Thinking

I am drinking my morning coffee and thinking...I need to be creative like one needs air to breathe.

I want to not only write again (journal and focus on my memoir), but also paint on a canvas. Thank you Kate for inspiring me and complimenting me about my writing. It helped my self-confidence.

My first painting will be the semi-abstract (perhaps there is a better term for this) from a small painting I did when I had my mini-stroke in February of 2004. I will post it here when I find my camera. I adore trees. I had a bad case of asthma as a child and when I learned that trees gave off oxygen I developed a great love for them. The IV was my tree inside the hospital. The painting is of me hooked up to the IV, my head facing the outside window with the geometric curtains drawn.

The house is disaster-ville right now.

I wish I could drive to my friend Kate's house in Alfred and learn to paint from her. She is so talented! Kate - If you would feel comfortable with this, I would love to come visit you. Anyway, I think I will paint in acrylics. Although, oils appeal to me because they are natural, I have heard that it is harder since you cannot paint over oils, but you can with acrylics. Any suggestions Kate or anyone else?

Oh yeah, and then there is the expense. I recently bought a fish tank and though it was on sale, I also had to purchase a heater, some gravel...haven't gotten any decorations or the fish yet. I am on a medical sabbatical and my salary is almost halved right now.

I feel so happy right now thinking of writing and painting again. I am drinking and thinking and happy.

Hypomania? What's that?

Recently, I have been told that I have Bipolar 2. It is confusing to me. Anyway, I have been having a very severe depression since mid-January and never thought this would happen again to me. Well, I guess there is still a lot to learn. I am taking medication and have a new therapist.

This morning I woke up and resisted my addiction to Netflix. It is okay to watch some movies, but I have been using it obsessively to escape a fear of loneliness. I AM not alone! You aren't either. Don't isolate. I am deciding not to anymore.

I felt a surge of energy and know that I need to harness it in and NOT run around or talk or even write obsessively or I may take a nosedive back into this severe depression which is so awful.

All my reaching out for help is paying off. Now, I am helping myself again. That is the key. You must ask yourself "What do I want?" and also give to yourself; be your own best friend.